Orgasm Alley Policies

My business policies are quite straightforward. They all boil down to: if it’s the right thing, do it. I will treat you right, both before AND after the sale. I won’t make nutty claims or lie on this site (or at any other time). I’ll provide the information you need to make the best decision for you, not fill my text with hard-sell pitches. The remainder of this page expands into significantly more detail, of course!

 All About Shipping

Shipping on all machines is targeted for 10-14 days after your order is placed, as I build all units to-order. In my personal acknowledgement of you order, I will indicate any variance in this schedule due to personal issues or whatnot, but I do hit this target more than 95% of the time. Purely accessory or parts orders generally ship within a week, and often within a couple of days. If you have specific needs regarding timing, please feel free to contact me in advance of your order… I am happy to do everything I can to meet your needs for things like day of delivery and so forth. However, my builds are solely on a first-in, first-out basis and I cannot generally guarantee shipment in a shorter time frame. Please expect a signature to be required to receive your shipment.

Your purchase includes a standardized shipping charge based on the model ordered and your location. Domestic continental US shipments ship for the standard charge stated on each model page. At this time,non-continental US and  International shipping requires a follow-up email and payment to cover actual transit cost (no additional packing or materials)… I have not yet been able to set the site up to do live shipping calculations through the UPS system. International orders will be charged a nominal 20 USD for shipping, and I will email you a request for the remainder.If you would like a 90% accurate advance quote, please email me your actual shipping address and what you intend to order.

In the US, your machine arrives via UPS Ground, unless you need special arrangements such as delivery to a PO Box. If you require a specific service, please contact me after placing your order to discuss. USPS Priority shipping is available as an alternative in the US. Tracking information will be provided via email after your unit ships out.

International orders ship with UPS Expedited. If you require delivery to a postal box, I am also willing to ship via USPS Priority, if the package size and weight are allowed to your country, although this is generally more expensive. All International duties, taxes, and so on are the customer’s responsibility at time of receipt. All shipments are declared and insured at actual value, to the extent possible.

I pack with passion: I want my creations to arrive in your hands in pristine condition. To that end, I use a range of protective packaging including doubled cartons, bubble wrap, styrofoam peanuts, extra cardboard, and lots of tape. Some external cartons are recycled and may exhibit evidence of prior use. Please examine the outside of your carton upon reciept, and save all packaging materials until a visual inspection confirms the safe arrival of the unit. There will be no existing crushing damage to the carton and no punctures. If you see such evidence, please write “exception: damage” directly above your signature. Please alert me to any transit problem, and we’ll discuss the best way to resolve it.

Because you are purchasing made-to-order equipment, please understand that any loss or damage occurring in transit is not as simple as pulling another widget off the shelf and sending it your way. You agree to work with me in such an unlikely event, and acknowledge that my timeline to address your issue may be reliant upon the carrier’s timing for insurance claims, shipping fee refunds, package recovery attempts, and so forth. I will always do my very best to address your needs as promptly as possible.

All packages go out devoid of external indications of contents. Shipper fields, when required, describe the contents as “linear driver.” International shipments include documentation of this purpose. Return address is in my name. No one will know a thing! 😉

Fucking Chairs are too large for standard shipping and packing methods. These units are crated, ship common carrier, and arrive fully assembled and ready to use (dildo excluded, as you’re probably sick of hearing by now!). Fucking Chairs are not generally available outside the US, due to ridiculously high freight charges. If you’re desperate to receive a Fucking Chair to your International destination, please email me.

 Satisfaction Guaranteed

I understand that it is difficult to spend a significant amount of money for a product based on words and images on a computer screen, particularly when it’s an item you may not be sure is for you! It would be a huge leap of faith to demand your commitment to a purchase sight unseen — and performance untested — by saying “once you open that package, it’s yours no matter what you think of it bub!”

I believe you are looking at the finest sex machines available, and stand behind that statement with the OA Satisfaction Guarantee. If you are not satisfied with your sex machine, spanking machine, or accessory purchased from Orgasm Alley, you may return it in near-new condition within 30 days of receipt for a full refund of the purchase price less a 15% refurbish and restocking fee, no questions asked. Actual shipping is excluded from refund, and any damage to the machine will reduce the refunded amount based on repair/replacement cost. Consider this benefit carefully when selecting a sex machine vendor.

Returns must be authorized in advance. Outbound return shipment must be made within 30 days of delivery date as recorded by UPS/USPS. Refund will be made to the same credit card used to purchase the machine, or by mailed check for all other purchase methods. Due to International trade restrictions, refund is not available to International customers. Customized machines are also excluded from refund, including but not limited to all Fucking Chairs, as are purchases for or by commercial users (if you’re filming or whatever, feel free to contact me about your needs). If purchasing an OA machine through another vendor, please refer to that vendor’s policies.

 Limited Lifetime Warranty

I am entirely confident that you are purchasing a meticulously handcrafted sex machine of exceptional quality, built and designed to last a lifetime. I do not sell sex machines I do not make, and do not make sex machines that do not meet this standard. As of 2009, every Orgasm Alley sex machine has a lifetime limited warranty, excluding those purchased from my select reselling vendors (such machines are covered based on on the vendor’s warranty policies).

Bodies, frames, accessories, and mechanisms are all warranted free of material and manufacturing defects for life. Motors and electronics carry this warranty for a two year period from date of purchase. Any replacement or repair required due to defect will be covered, including return shipping fees via UPS Ground or other carrier at the sole discretion of Orgasm Alley, unless mistreatment/misuse is determined to be the cause. All shipments originating from the customer should be packaged in a manner approximating that you received, and you may want to insure.

No matter how you purchase your Orgasm Alley machine, should you ever require any warranty or non-warranty repair simply contact me for a return authorization and instructions. Repair/replacement due to improper handling or use, caused in transit by carrier, or at any time beyond the warranty period will be executed swiftly and at reasonable cost.

 Shipping To Me

If you need to ship something to me — whether as a Satisfaction Guarantee return, repair, or some other reason — it must bear an authorization code written on the package near the front label, which I will provide as part of arranging your return/repair/etc.Packages shipped to me without an authorization code will be considered abandoned and may be discarded.

 100% Privacy Guaranteed

This section is very simple: your privacy is absolutely guaranteed. I do not sell or otherwise share/distribute any customer information. Orgasm Alley does not spam. No customer information is accessible from the Internet. No testimonial will include name, contact information or detailed location. All testimonial text is unsolicited, used solely with the permission of the author, and author retains the right to withdraw such permission at any time.

 Refund Fees

All refunds for any reason will be made at an amount reduced by the charge processing fees associated with the original payment. Unfortunately, it is my processor’s policy to keep the original fees in the event of a refund.

Order Cancellation

Please be sure before you buy!  You are purchasing made-to-order equipment, and as such your order will result in my expenditure of labor.  Subsequent cancellation of an order prior to its shipment will incur charge for time at a shop rate of 60 USD per hour, up to the amount of the restocking fee for your order. This charge (in addition to any processing fees per “Refund Fees” above) will be withheld from all refunds related to cancelled orders.  Custom pieces may be excluded from cancellation at the discretion of Orgasm Alley.